5. I gave up on happiness. Or, I found something different and started calling it happiness.
I remember, while going through therapy, that one of my biggest concerns was that now that my childhood days were over, that I would never be happy, in the carefree, completely lost in the moment, without any self-consciousness sort of way. It was like the magic in the world had vanished. Or that every single magic trick had now been explained to me.
Here’s the crappy thing: It has never returned. I really think that it is gone forever. But there are still pleasant emotions. I like laughing, even if it is when I am having a bad day. It seems like every good emotion has some bitterness mixed into it now. I guess that’s kind of sad, but sometimes there is still more sweet than bitter. And then sometimes bitter things can be sweet, like a sad movie that can make me cry but still be beautiful. Or when I know I am seeing a friend for the last time because he or she is moving, and it hurts, but I know that it hurts because of all of the good memories with that person.
I used to like eating spoonfuls of pure white sugar when I was kid, but now I think that is gross. There needs to be something else mixed in. Some of my favorite drinks are Ginger Beer, which is sweet but burns my throat as it goes down. Bitter Lemon, which I have to drink slowly because of its bitterness, but which I keep on drinking, and unsweetened herbal tea, which is completely bland unless I concentrate on all of the different weak flavors in it. I didn’t used to like any of these drinks. Sadly, I no longer like pure white sugar.
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2 comments:
Man did this post resonate with me. Still, I have to admit that I shamelessly enjoy eating lumps of brown sugar straight while I am waiting for my oatmeal to cook. I agree though, flavor (and life) need to give you a little kick, a little contrast for you to be able to taste, enjoy what is sweet. That's why dark chocolate is better when you get older; and you know you are a true adult when you acquire a taste for it.
My happiest times come through the worst times. When I was working as a nurse, I took a lot of sh*t from people, figuratively and literally. When someone who was suffering would look me in the eye and say, "Thank you," I felt better. Not that I forgot entirely about all the frustrations and how much my feet hurt, but I felt these sufferings had some meaning. As a Mom, I do NOT love waking up x number of times to feed my baby in the middle of the night, but I love her and it's worth it to see her reach milestones and smile.
Housework. Some days I feel I'm positively rifling through heaps of daily duties to find pleasure in mastering the mundane. I too found myself with a mouth full of sugar as a kid. However, I also appreciate, as you point out, the challenging new flavors in life, which by the very nature of their variety, are superior to the rush of unadulterated white sameness.
I hope you can keep finding the joy in life.
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