A Journey (Part 4)

4. Other people.

This is a more recent development. Although I have always liked performing for or competing with others, I think it was on my mission that I started to realize how interesting other people can be. Since returning home I have been more talkative, but initially only with superficial topics.

While my sister and I were both experiencing the different emotions associated with dating, we started talking more deeply with each other. My brother was all but left out of these discussions because he married his high school girlfriend. Then, through spending time with some close friends and some new friends, I started talking to them about serious things. When I was twenty two I finally had what one might call an exclusive relationship for the first time ever. I realized how difficult it could be to communicate with someone that I was dating.

And it continued to be difficult. I felt like the only serious conversation I could have with a girl was the breakup one, with an occasional serious moment in more casual conversations. Eventually I dated this one very unique girl who just told me absolutely every thought that she was having. It was disarming and the only thing I could do in return was spill some of my secret thoughts back at her. I realized that you can say some really personal things and people are generally supportive. The only disadvantage is it tends to move things along faster than they might have otherwise, and you end up breaking up sooner. At least I think so, because she and I didn’t last too long.

Anyway, while I still have trouble sharing my grief with other people sometimes, I do it much more often than I used to, and rather than see it as being “needy” (which I guess it kind of is), I see it as necessary and I try to be available for others when they need someone to spend the time and energy needed to listen to them.

I cannot express how important I think it is to talk to and be with and understand other people. When my parents split up, I remember feeling like I was going to throw up if I didn’t talk about it.

I found help in unlikely places. One friend who I had always seen as obtuse and difficult to talk to at times, when he heard what had happened, in a matter of seconds, transformed into someone who listened and understood. It was the first serious conversation I had had with him, and I never expected him to suddenly be so open.

Then another friend, who I had known much longer and talked with much more, was the opposite. I was on a trip with him in a foreign country and couldn’t talk to anyone else. But when I brought it up he seemed to shut off and got very uncomfortable. He became silent, didn’t look at me, and didn’t ask any clarification or follow-up questions. It was disappointing and a little embarrassing. The difference between these two friends was that the first one had experienced his own parents’ divorce and the other one could not even imagine such an event. So I think it is important to seek out those who have been through similar challenges. They will understand.

Part 5